HUMOR AT CHRISTMAS BUT NOT NECESSARILY CHRISTMAS HUMOR

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. Erma Bombeck

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw

A Clint Eastwood love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. Bill Cosby

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. Mark Twain California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. P. J. O'Rourke

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. Hesiod

Don't forget Mother's Day or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. Jay Leno

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. Robert Benchley

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet. Fran Lebowitz

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. Erma Bombeck

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering. Marilyn vos Savant

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries. Stephen King

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name. Paula Poundstone

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. Fred Allen

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. Stephen Fry

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra

I found there was only one-way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Joan Rivers
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do. Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said. Yogi Berra
I recorded my hair this morning; tonight I'm watching the highlights. Jay London

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church. Paul Lynde

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. George Burns

I think serial monogamy says it all. Tracey Ullman

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry. Norman Wisdom

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. Rod Schmidt

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier. Howard Nemerov
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. Carl Sandburg
I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair. Hillary Clinton

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. Elayne Boosler

If God wanted us to bend over He'd put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to fly He would have given us tickets. Mel Brooks

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has his or her hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. Dave Barry

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another issue altogether. Johnny Vegas

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. Lenny Bruce

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. Spike Milligan

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings. Jay London

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra. Angie Dickinson

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at? P. J. O'Rourke

Never fight an inanimate object. P. J. O'Rourke

Never floss with a stranger. Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected. Robert Orben

Older people shouldn't eat health food - they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben

One man's folly is another man's wife. Helen Rowland

One picture is worth 1,000 denials. Ronald Reagan

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf. Lewis Mumford

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. Samuel Butler

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. Chevy Chase
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you loose yours. Ronald Reagan

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the Internet I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. Al Gore

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno

The way taxes are you might as well marry for love. Joe E. Lewis

There is only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it. Dennis Miller

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. Robert Byrne

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. Alanis Morissette

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? W. Clement Stone

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. David Brenner

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein

You're only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz


If God does not destroy Hollywood He owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Uncle Ralph

When I was a child I had a watermelon as a pet; they are more affectionate than cantaloupes, you know. But tragedy struck when it was hit by a car and died – it lost too many seeds. So we ate it.
Uncle Ralph

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just “Escalator Now Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

Dogs are forever in the push up position. “Give me 25, Fido!”Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. I bought a twenty seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I can whistle with my fingers if I have a whistle. In school I didn't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman now who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I had a stick of Care Free gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. I know a lot about cars. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks and it was way too literal for me.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12. I was prolific.

I remixed a remix; it was back to normal. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that ... day.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

I wanted to buy a candleholder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. I wish my name were Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even have to be smart to notice it.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. If I had eight of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower. If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress who just never gets called to the set.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. But spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

My shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

Ever notice that “Soup for One” is eight aisles away from Party Mix? The Jews wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

Anyone who is capable of getting him or herself made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.
I think fish is nice, but then I think that rain is wet, so who am I to judge?

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands. If somebody thinks they're a hedge-hog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.

Life is wasted on the living.

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. The difficulty with this conversation is that it's very different from most of the ones I've had of late. Which, as I explained, have mostly been with trees.

The Guide Books are definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate. The impossible often has a kind of integrity that the merely improbable lacks.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.

The mere thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Time is an illusion; lunchtime doubly so.

To give real service you must add something that cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity.

We have normality: I repeat, we have normality.

Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem.

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Sunset, Currituck Sound