Laugh Time

LAUGH TIME
RALPH B. STRICKLAND, JR.

Bottom of Form
My favorite part of the movie Monty Python and The Holy Grail concerns an illogical decision that a woman is a witch. If you do not fall down laughing you do not appreciate zaniness.

Begin.





[Enter a crowd armed with farm implements, shouting and dancing about, dragging a bound woman—with a carrot tied to cover her nose, and a funnel on her head—to a platform. Enter BEDEVERE upon the platform, a dove in one hand, a coconut in the other, a string tied between them. He lets the dove go.]

CROWD: [variously] A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve got a witch! A witch! Burn her! A witch!

VILLAGER #1: [To BEDEVERE, who must hold up his visor to see well] We have found a witch. May we burn her?

CROWD: Burn her! Burn her!

BEDEVERE: [To the CROWD] How do you know she is a witch?

VILLAGER #2: She looks like one!

CROWD: Yeah! She looks like one! Yeah! Yeah!

BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.

WITCH: [To BEDEVERE] I’m not a witch. I’m not a witch.

BEDEVERE: [To the WITCH] But you are dressed as one.

WITCH: They dressed me up like this.

CROWD: [To each other] No, we didn’t. Nooo.

WITCH: And this isn’t my nose. It’s a false one.

[BEDEVERE moves the carrot to see her real nose]

BEDEVERE: [to the CROWD] Well?

VILLAGER #1: [To BEDEVERE] Well, we did do the nose.

BEDEVERE: The nose?

VILLAGER #1: And the hat... But she is a witch!

CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!

BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?

CROWD: No, no... no... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.

VILLAGER #1: [pointing] She has got a wart.

[VILLAGER #2 points also]

BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?

VILLAGER #3: [To BEDEVERE] Well, she turned me into a newt.

BEDEVERE: [ToVILLAGER#3] A newt?

[pause] VILLAGER #3: I got better.

VILLAGER #2: [To CROWD] Burn her anyway!

CROWD: Burn! Burn her!

[Enter ARTHUR and PATSY, observing from across the square]

BEDEVERE: [To CROWD] Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

VILLAGER #1: Are there? What are they?

CROWD: What are they?

VILLAGER#2: Do they hurt?

BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?

VILLAGER #2: [really getting into it, really putting some English on the ball] Buuuurn them!

CROWD: Burn! Burn them up!

BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?

VILLAGER #1: More witches!

[VILLAGER #3 smacks him across the back]

VILLAGER #2: Wood!

BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?

VILLAGER #3: [Tentatively] B—B’cause they’re made of wood...?

BEDEVERE: Good!

CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...

BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?

VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge ou’ of ’er!

BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?

VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.

BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?

VILLAGER #1: No, no.

VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!

CROWD: The pond!

BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?

VILLAGER #1: Bread!

VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks.
[He makes universal very-small gesture with thumb and forefinger]

VILLAGER #1: Cider!

VILLAGER#2: Gra—gravy!

VILLAGER #1: Cherries!

VILLAGER #2: Mud!

VILLAGER #3: Churches! Churches!

VILLAGER #2: Lead! Lead!

ARTHUR: A duck!

CROWD: Oooh.

BEDEVERE: [To ARTHUR] Exactly!

[To CROWD] So, logically...

VILLAGER #1: If... she... weighs the same as a duck...she’s made of wood.

BEDEVERE: And therefore...?

BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales! [Jumps down from platform]

[Cut to large wooden balance. Enter BEDEVERE and CROWD with WITCH.]

CROWD: Burn her! Burn the witch! Burn her!

[The WITCH is put in one swing, a duck in the other.]

BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports!

[Two villagers smack the wooden supports away with big mallets. The balance creaks and sways, but does not show a difference in weight.]

CROWD: A witch! A witch!



Want to see the scene played out?

http://thewisecracker.com/2011/10/watch-monty-python-and-the-holy-grail-shes-a-witch/