About My PTSD

POSTTRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

A CONCERN FOR MILITARY PERSONNEL AND LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS

*For further general information, please go to:

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/

By

Ralph B. Strickland, Jr.

Vietnam Veteran 1970 - 1971

It is normal to have stress reactions after a traumatic event.  This happens to people all the time and they do not have to live in a war zone or engage in combat operations. 

It can happen to law enforcement officers simply because of what they see and hear, even on routine calls.  It can happen to a person who loses a loved one by accident or illness.

I was in the Republic of South Vietnam, a country that no longer exists politically, from early August 1970 through late July 1971 – exactly 362 days.  I counted every single one and kept a special calendar to mark off each day.  On occasion, I would be away from Phan Rang Air Base for several days and it was a thrill to return and mark off a number of days all at once.  I tell you - life was just a riot in Vietnam!  Wait – now that I think about it, life really was a riot there – a BAD riot!

Generally, in life it is the little things that mean the most.  I didn’t just put an “X” on the calendar; no, I blacked out the whole day!  It did not take much to make me happy and that was a good thing since there was not much to make me happy.

I unfortunately have a list of combat traumatic events that continue to live in my head.  I didn’t write those down.  Some are worse than others, naturally.  My Veterans Administration psychiatrist tells me you cannot deliberately forget such memories and you must learn to live with them.  To prove his point, he told me not to think about elephants during one of our sessions.  I suppose you know that was just about all I could think about and I swear by the end of the session his nose was gray and growing longer.  And my ears felt huge!

I have always kept these terrible events in my mind as my superiors taught me to and not expressed them.  I was ordered, “Never tell your family!”  I was not to tell what was done, heard or seen in Vietnam.  [I guess it was OK to tell what I smelled or felt with my hands.]  I have only spoken of some of my experiences to other veterans.

I am sad to say my emotions and behavior have changed in ways disturbing to me over the last 40-some years since 1971.  If you knew them, they would trouble you as they do me.  Now it is time for me to let them go as much as possible according to my Veterans Administration psychiatrist.  He told me that if I “let them go” I might feel better.  I do so far.  This is not a general confessional.

I would just like to say to all of you that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a danger to any one of you – or myself.  I have never been, nor am I now, homicidal or suicidal.  I love everyone and myself too much to let that happen.  I have the strength of my religion, family and friends, even when people did not know they were helping me.

I have hidden this from everyone except my wife, Drusylla – and I hid MOST of it from her until very recently.  I have begun to discuss certain incidents with her, something I now know I should have done immediately upon returning in 1971.

I am now 80% disabled from my exposure to Agent Orange that caused me to develop Type II mellitus diabetes and diabetic peripheral neuropathy in my toes. Furthermore, I am 50% disabled because of Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  Since no one can be more than 100% disabled - using charts, graphs and tables - the VA has determined that I am 80% disabled. HOWEVER, I AM, BY DECISION OF THE VETERANS ADMINISTRATION, A 100% DISABLED VETERAN as of July 2011 (I just found out) BECAUSE the Veterans Administration has determined I AM NO LONGER EMPLOYABLE.  And, sadly, I am not.

FYI:  Agent Orange was an herbicide used by the UNITED STATES in Vietnam to defoliate the vegetation so we could “possibly” see the enemy in a jungle that had disappeared when all the plants died.  It was given its name from the color of the orange-striped 55 US gallon barrels in which it was shipped.  It seems to me now that it was impossible for 99% of us not to be exposed to it at sometime during “our year”.  I once flew in a cargo plane with barrels of Agent Orange on board, some of which were leaking, and my fellow passengers and I all had wet boots and feet from the Agent Orange. That herbicide produced a number of horrible diseases in many of us that no one knew about at the time.  Google “Agent Orange” for a list of the diseases – many of which only expressed themselves over thirty years after exposure to the herbicide.

Almost on cue, I developed Type II mellitus diabetes 30 years after I returned to “The World” (the name we gave the United States while “In-Country” in Vietnam).  Agent Orange has caused me a number of difficulties including Type II diabetes and the resulting diabetic peripheral neuropathy in my toes, causing me much discomfort on a daily basis.  They tingle, burn, hurt, and feel as if they are being stabbed.

SPRAYING AGENT ORANGE

In order to save my left great toe, (I am not bragging – it is a GREAT toe), which was repeatedly infected, I had my podiatrist, Dr. Mark Eaton of Fayetteville, surgically remove the entire toenail.  That sounds far more painful that it was.

I am taking two specific oral medicines for my toes and a cream that has to be specially compounded in a pharmacy and applied topically four times a day.

Vietnam estimates 400,000 people were killed or maimed, and 500,000 children born with birth defects as a result of the use of Agent Orange.  The Red Cross of Vietnam estimates that up to 1 million people are disabled or have health problems due to Agent Orange being sprayed over 12% of the country.

I take TWELVE prescription medications on a daily basis that affect POSITIVELY my mental activity, behavior, and perception.  They act as mood-altering drugs and do work well for me.  There are certain side effects, but they are minor.

Fear or anxiety

In moments of danger, our bodies prepare to fight our enemy, flee him, or freeze in the hope that his danger will move past us.  Those feelings of alertness may stay even after the danger has passed.  They may stay forever.  That is true for me:  I often feel tense or afraid; I have panic attacks – sometimes (too often) I am agitated and jumpy.  Everywhere I go I believe I must remain alert.  I taught myself to stand still and not react to my panic attacks and pray they would pass quickly.

Sadness or depression

Sadness after a trauma may come from a sense of loss --- of a loved one, of trust in the world, faith, or a previous way of life. 

On just one lousy day in Vietnam I lost my trust in the world.  I lost my ability to always do what I saw as the right thing.  I lost forever the way I had always lived.  I lost the way I saw myself: an all American, red-blooded boy whom everyone trusted and admired.   

What I did was right and honorable militarily, within the ROE (Rules of Engagement), ethically and morally proper; however, it was so horrible to me I was changed forever.  That is why I have not been telephoning or answering Emails.  I have over 3,000 Emails I haven’t read and never will.  Sorry.  It’s probably best not to Email me.  But you may call in the afternoons  - 910/322-6738 – the # the same as always.

I have a Face Book page under the name Butch Strickland.

And a Blog: www.ralphstrickland.blogspot.com

You may visit either; leave a comment if you wish.  I am not completely shutdown.

Guilt and shame

I still feel some grief and shame.  I wish I did not have to do what I had to do.  I am angered I was put in the position and I feel frustrated and hurt about it.  I still feel some shame because during that traumatic event I acted in a way that I could NEVER have conceived myself doing.  

I had 20 seconds or less to make a decision, lying hidden and well concealed in a wooded area.  I made the decision to kill her because her ordinance could kill many people on my base if she delivered them.  Thus, I made a kill shot to the head, and I cannot change it.  It was an 11-year-old girl on a bicycle carrying an RPG (rocket-propelled grenade), an AK-47 and various types of ammunition in canvas sacks.  It had to be done.  She was a combatant.  I believed then, and still do, that a headshot would be less painful with little or no suffering. 

11 years old.

What kind of man deliberately kills a child?  One of my truly best and close friends, Special Agent Tim Gannon of the Federal Bureau of Investigation in Fayetteville and a former Army Ranger told me of a book, The Lone Survivor, by a former Navy Seal, Marcus Luttrell.  In that narrative Marcus explains how he and three other SEALS had an opportunity to kill a 14-year-old shepherd boy and two men herding goats in order to keep the SEALS’ presence a secret, during a covert insertion in the mountains of Afghanistan.  They chose not to kill them because of the age of the boy.

The result?  All the SEALS except Marcus were killed quickly AND A RESCUE PARTY OF MORE THAN 25 RANGERS DIED WHEN THEIR HELICOPTER WAS SHOT FROM THE SKY.  It was a miracle Marcus survived, badly wounded.

In the military you may be instantly put in a situation where, no matter what you do, you will somehow feel you’ve done the wrong thing. 

My heart goes out to Marcus and all the families of the deceased SEALS and Rangers.  I include them in my daily prayers.

And do NOT tell me what you would have done in my place or Marcus’ unless you have been there.  YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY KNOW UNTIL YOU FACE IT.  YOU REALLY CAN’T!  SOME MEN PULL THE TRIGGER AND OTHERS DO NOT.  I had 20 seconds; Marcus and his SEALS had 20 minutes.  Which decision was correct?  Why?  Which is easiest to live with?  What do you do with your life from then on in either situation?  There are no right answers to any of these questions; they are all rhetorical.

SURVIVOR’S GUILT

I still feel badly because of that incident and unlike almost 59,000 of my brethren I survived that and other horrors.  I suffer greatly from survivor’s guilt.  What was God’s purpose in sparing me?  As Captain Miller told Private Ryan in the movie Saving Private Ryan:  “Earn this.”   I have tried to earn my right to live a meaningful life in the greatest country on earth having survived the worst and been given a second chance.  But have I, really, earned my right?  No one, even myself, will ever know.

SO, YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE BASICALLY DISAPPEARED FROM THE MAP SINCE MARCH 1, 2011 WHEN I RETIRED FROM MY THREE JOBS.

Now that I am 100% disabled and unemployable, here are the positive consequences:

1.   I receive a disability check each month from the Veterans Administration based on my percentage of disability.  That money is not taxable by any government.

2.   I am in Priority Group 1 of Disabled Veterans that grants me certain special privileges. 

3.   All my medicals are 100% free – medicines no longer require co-pays and I now have free dental treatment and eye exams and glasses at the VA.

4.   Drusylla and I will receive Military Identification Cards shortly in order that we may shop at all military installations open to the active military, retirees and spouses – just as when we were on active duty.

5.   The State of North Carolina must provide me with a free license tag for my motor vehicle – a tag for Disabled Veterans. 

If you or any one you know is suffering from PTSD, don’t wait 40 years for help. 

If you think you are hiding PTSD from those close to you, you are not. 

Deal with it as soon as possible after the trauma.

Do something about it. 

There is nothing embarrassing about having the condition.

I have it.  I am not embarrassed.

Seek help from a QUALIFIED counselor in PTSD.

It gets worse, never better, unless you receive help. 

I’m afraid I waited too long; however, I am going through counseling and expect to get better.  There’s always hope!

My wife says there is hope for me.  She never lies and always supports me.  Therefore, there is hope for me.

Still, don’t be me.

Act early.

Stand up to PTSD and beat it down.

Sincerely,

Your Pal, Ralph

PS My wife has helped me write and edit this essay.  She tells me that she knows how difficult this has been for me to express myself in such a personal manner. Moreover, she is proud of me for doing it.  She is right; it was difficult.  Nevertheless, we both feel it was worth it.  May God bless you, your family and loved ones.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” – Ben Okri

Peace